Tuesday, September 5, 2017

Like Riding a Mental Rodeo Bull

I went to my town's equality rally yesterday, but I only lasted 5 minutes without a growing sense of paranoia. It was very close by; I went home.  Asbury is a town of great diversity but all the news media seems to have picked up is that one person in the crowd pepper sprayed another.  I'm sure my takeaway would have been much better than that had I stayed. 

I tend toward humor to mask & cope. I'm guilty of normalcy masquerading when possible. Well, I hope it appears to be normal.  I've grown somewhat better at not reacting to certain things that used to crush/frighten/freak me. Eh, some things.
I stopped to reread & ponder that.  Bad idea.

I don't want to turn this blog into And now, Mary will recite a litany of her schizophrenic problems & mishaps-- but I happen to be working with a broad array, most of which I'll save for my doctor.  No need to thank me. 

One of my schizophrenic friends (I have 2) is late-onset like me, & early married.  I have known him & his wife only since moving to Asbury Park.  I have particularly tried to be sensitive to the wife's feelings. He & I use Orwellian tragi-humor as a coping mechanism.  I've grown to realize this upsets her when the 3 of us are together.  I think maybe negative things actively discussed about or around schizophrenia upset her period because schizophrenia has ruined the life they built together--  but she'd never say that. In other ways I've noticed also, denial seems to be one of her coping mechanisms. She is a wonderful, compassionate person who supports her husband fully in every aspect of his life.

I'm the only fellow-schizophrenic he bothers with & while he's told me our relationship is of benefit to him, I'm wondering if I should bow out.  I'm pretty sure I'm of no benefit to her.  She's the person he's been married to for 30 years. 

Rereading I think I just decided that this will be my last blog encounter.  I was rightly talked into Facebook in April.  I don't have it in me to keep too many avenues open at present.  I've actually been printing some of your blog entries(I only have internet access at the library) to read at home.  I know I will miss staying in touch through your postings, but this is probably a good decision for me overall.  

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Sharing a mental war of attrition.

I've worked at  keeping friendships(albeit, on & off due to our disorder) with 2 schizophrenics.  They wouldn't be offended by worked at since I'm pretty sure it is the same for them.

Having long ago thrown counterfeit social-politeness to the wind, while walking with one of them, I told him that I am both captivated-attracted to and repulsed by his day-to-day-life, thoughts, & behaviors. Some of it mirrors the worst of my life. Some(He hears many sinister voices,constantly. Though abusive, I hear just one distinct, conflicting/mocking voice intermittently now)may be a preemptive warning as to what is in store for me.  

English being his second language he at first did not understand what I meant. Upon further explanation, he breathed a huge sigh of relief it seemed. ?? Ok...  

"Yes, Yes.  As for me, too," he said.

Then we laughingly decided we'd had the basics of this discussion before; we agreed it beared repeating.

True understanding.

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Overheard(& seen) in Asbury Park :

Velour tracksuit woman(they still sell those?): I used to describe my husband by saying Actually, he often reminds people of Bruce Jenner.  He just asked me to stop doing that. 

Paint brush in back pocket of Jurassic pants
guy: I'm taking 5 medications, & 3 of them are just to deal with you.

2 cell phone Big Mac eater: I need a personal assistant rather than an inevitable 3rd x-husband. 

Too tight fancy suit gorgeous man: My wife said I shouldn't say anything negative about marriage until after you've been married a while, but your wedding is over 6 months away & I have so much to share.

Effervescent older woman:  (LONG CUTE STORY) And then I kissed everyone, the servers too, & went home to bed with the cats.

(Me) I think I'm starting to understand I belong right here in Asbury :).

Friday, April 28, 2017

Luckily, this isn't a motivational blog.

Apparently, I am now considered ongoing paranoid-psychotic.  Which I do not actively feel in an uninterrupted way. Adaptation is, eh, great, I guess. 

Sometimes life is going along about 80% like it used to prior to my mental illness, never 100%, but I'm good with that now. I'm basically writing the script~as much as anyone ever can~ & then schizophrenia interjects 254 paragraphs with impunity.  Hate That, but luckily~over time~ it doesn't feel as bad as it should all of the time(just 1/3 to 1/2 of the time). Funny, too, what you can be thankful for. 

Like the IRS picking up with a live person 3 phone numbers & 1 hour of holding later, then actually nicely helping me to resolve a small issue.
But then I needed to call back, & they started asking questions about my 2015 return only for identification purposes.  Sure, I thought as I started to eat Smuckers peanut butter from the jar.  A highly appropriate coping-response I think. 

I happened to look up a favored Pulitzer prize winner only to be met with his mug shots from DUI's.  The Pulitzer came young & early, the mugs late, in senior age.  Then his life partner left him but kept esoterically dissing him in the press. Is there a preferred order for all of that? 

I'm a schizophrenic who never did anything amazing or brave in her life, but mug shots I do not have.  Should I be thankful for that? 

Because, it seems, unlike lots of  the challenged  I read about, I reflexively feel bitter or hurt by what my life is now much more easily than I can access my gratitude or talk about hope or positivity.  I start thinking I'm not thankful enough & then I wonder how I can ever be thankful for this sort of life. 

You have adapted to voices & sounds that hate you waking you in the morning to tell you to run, sit, slap yourself....how come? had enough? why? eat, go, waitsmilelaugh, see what you did? lie down, drink water(I hear this at least 50 times a day), come, it's over, pig, hahahaha, nails-chalkboard sound.... & then I cry when someone says job or a neighbor speaks, or a siren blares. And that's the way it is, sans the my illness does not define me unembraceable bs.  Because many days it does. But then it would appear I mostly gather myself again.  And Mr. Pulitzer?  He can't be having it easy, either. 

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Less Voice More Bears, Please.

The past is over, but Schizophrenia is here for good.   Previous balance never to be restored(I really need to accept this.).  Life still calls, just in very different ways, with a lot of interesting limitations.  

Psychiatrists & (many) schizophrenics bemoan & reject the split-mind concept that they claim is unfairly, misguidedly applied to schizophrenia in the media.  Uhm, gee, sorry.  That is spot on me. 

Currently, I have 1 OTHER predominant voice- it can feel internal or external- that torments me to the point of derailing at least 1/3 of each day. The voice is compounded by every sound I hear(when it gets to this point)feeling entirely directed at me & my supposed misdeeds. It quickly becomes all-consuming.

 Some of the other symptoms also try to kick my ass, again unfortunately, daily.  Nicely(smirk)they take turns in being a priority in & of themselves, but they often visit me at the same time as the voice & the other sounds. If that sounds confusing, trust me that it is actually markedly more confusing than I feel comfortable, or quite frankly capable of,  articulating.  But hey, this is a blog entry not my medical chart, so..

In search of normalizing, helpful activities I volunteered at a food pantry that just happens to be located in a building I can see from my balcony.  I have a history of such volunteering, & other than a mild-to-infrequently moderate amount of confusion & paranoia, it is working out well.  Atheist that I am, it is actually The Salvation Army stained-glass cross on the building that is directly across from my balcony door.  Hard to miss as I told the female pastor(it is a husband & wife pastor team. endearingly they bring their beautiful, gentle terrier with them most days.).  She said I was sent to them. Perhaps I was, by proximity, but not by a God.  

While dreaming last night, a big, beautiful brown bear was sniffing me while I stood still & wide-eyed-awed silent.  Whatever sent her to me, Thank you.

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Unless You Own a Restaurant, Please Don't Buy THAT Much Creamy Italian Salad Dressing.

Fat Tuesday Ruminations....

As a solitary, short(5ft-3), 113 pound woman who is on medication with a potential for weight gain, I cruise right past the Family Size & Bulk Club items in my food store. New to the area in the summer, my first visit to the store I encountered Food of the Gods size barrels of cheese puffs & "healthy" popcorn in the Family/Bulk section.  I laughed my way down the next aisle. 

Recently, I discovered that they sell my expensive, usually purchased at GNC, Quest protein bars at a bulk discount. Way too many of one flavor, & truly not much of a discount it turned out, but I explored to see what else they might have of interest to me. 

Nothing. The bulk toilet paper & paper towels were actually the same price except for the 1 ply. I've never seen a fridge with a 1 gallon bottle of 5% fruit juice- fruit punch; maybe preschools buy them. Some products were more money than I spend, but were name brands that are much more recognizable than the ones I use. In fact, most of the things were not very reasonable, & the calorie/carb contents on many were horrific.  

A 3/4 cup serving of cereal with 24 grams(6 teaspoons)of sugar should be labeled Sugar Cereal, not have a sports figure on it & be purchased in bulk.  The trail mix was the size of my torso with salted, high fat nuts, extra oils?, & lots of visible pieces of chocolate coated lumps - labeled nature something or other.  What food is naturally chocolate coated & whose family should be eating pounds of it at a time?

I will cop to occasionally eating Smuckers Reduced Fat Peanut Butter, which is still relatively high in fat, with a spoon(mostly I eat it stirred into oatmeal), but it has 0 cholesterol, & 2 grams of sugar a serving.  It is 3 bucks in the regular aisle.  I'll be sticking with that, & staying out of Bulk/Family size.  Maybe some families should be staying out of there, too.

Oh. You do not, DO NOT, want to know the fat/cholesterol/ carb/sodium values on the Family size nacho cheese dip, which of course should be paired with a 3 lb Family size bag(or 48 bulk single serve)of nachos.

Do you buy bulk or family size items?  Do you forgo certain products after reading their labels?

Thursday, January 26, 2017

If You're Tired of Arguing with Strangers on the Internet..... ~Barack Obama

None of you are stranger than me.

A comment from me-at this point in my life-is never meant argumentatively.  Years back I could expostulate with desire & vigor. If truth spoken,once in a while, I'd also bitch someone down.  I no longer have the desire to use up my catch-as-catch-can lesser energies on that any longer.  I may not get your point.  I may not agree with your point. BUT I never go to your comment section to argue a point.  If I want argument(which it so happens I no longer do), my schizophrenic mind argues with itself & admonishes me in painstaking detail frequently.

Now I like AS PEOPLE those who I read.  Only criteria. Some of you are far from me religiously. I'm an atheist, but I do worship Deer whenever I am lucky enough to see them. Some are far politically. I'm a Libertarian who has voted mostly Republican, but I also greatly admire Jimmy Carter, Barney Frank, &(loved)Tip O'Neill. And some of you are of higher- at times confusingly so- intellect.  Mark O., you are the trifecta ;). None of this constitutes a problem for me because kindly read the first sentence of this paragraph again. 

My list of Not Worth It has grown exponentially with schizophrenia.  I've unkept much from my past that I should not have, but I do value what I have kept more.  You are worth it.  Thank you for sharing your (sometimes counter)viewpoints, thoughts, & your lives with me.