Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Less Voice More Bears, Please.

The past is over, but Schizophrenia is here for good.   Previous balance never to be restored(I really need to accept this.).  Life still calls, just in very different ways, with a lot of interesting limitations.  

Psychiatrists & (many) schizophrenics bemoan & reject the split-mind concept that they claim is unfairly, misguidedly applied to schizophrenia in the media.  Uhm, gee, sorry.  That is spot on me. 

Currently, I have 1 OTHER predominant voice- it can feel internal or external- that torments me to the point of derailing at least 1/3 of each day. The voice is compounded by every sound I hear(when it gets to this point)feeling entirely directed at me & my supposed misdeeds. It quickly becomes all-consuming.

 Some of the other symptoms also try to kick my ass, again unfortunately, daily.  Nicely(smirk)they take turns in being a priority in & of themselves, but they often visit me at the same time as the voice & the other sounds. If that sounds confusing, trust me that it is actually markedly more confusing than I feel comfortable, or quite frankly capable of,  articulating.  But hey, this is a blog entry not my medical chart, so..

In search of normalizing, helpful activities I volunteered at a food pantry that just happens to be located in a building I can see from my balcony.  I have a history of such volunteering, & other than a mild-to-infrequently moderate amount of confusion & paranoia, it is working out well.  Atheist that I am, it is actually The Salvation Army stained-glass cross on the building that is directly across from my balcony door.  Hard to miss as I told the female pastor(it is a husband & wife pastor team. endearingly they bring their beautiful, gentle terrier with them most days.).  She said I was sent to them. Perhaps I was, by proximity, but not by a God.  

While dreaming last night, a big, beautiful brown bear was sniffing me while I stood still & wide-eyed-awed silent.  Whatever sent her to me, Thank you.