The past is over, but Schizophrenia is here for good. Previous balance never to be restored(I really need to accept this.). Life still calls, just in very different ways, with a lot of interesting limitations.
Psychiatrists & (many) schizophrenics bemoan & reject the split-mind concept that they claim is unfairly, misguidedly applied to schizophrenia in the media. Uhm, gee, sorry. That is spot on me.
Currently, I have 1 OTHER predominant voice- it can feel internal or external- that torments me to the point of derailing at least 1/3 of each day. The voice is compounded by every sound I hear(when it gets to this point)feeling entirely directed at me & my supposed misdeeds. It quickly becomes all-consuming.
Some of the other symptoms also try to kick my ass, again unfortunately, daily. Nicely(smirk)they take turns in being a priority in & of themselves, but they often visit me at the same time as the voice & the other sounds. If that sounds confusing, trust me that it is actually markedly more confusing than I feel comfortable, or quite frankly capable of, articulating. But hey, this is a blog entry not my medical chart, so..
In search of normalizing, helpful activities I volunteered at a food pantry that just happens to be located in a building I can see from my balcony. I have a history of such volunteering, & other than a mild-to-infrequently moderate amount of confusion & paranoia, it is working out well. Atheist that I am, it is actually The Salvation Army stained-glass cross on the building that is directly across from my balcony door. Hard to miss as I told the female pastor(it is a husband & wife pastor team. endearingly they bring their beautiful, gentle terrier with them most days.). She said I was sent to them. Perhaps I was, by proximity, but not by a God.
While dreaming last night, a big, beautiful brown bear was sniffing me while I stood still & wide-eyed-awed silent. Whatever sent her to me, Thank you.