tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-40229159698248538232024-02-20T03:45:58.730-05:00justmaryagainBetween 2 and 36% of me, depending on how I feel the day I'm writing it.2023http://www.blogger.com/profile/06090347339729432098noreply@blogger.comBlogger14125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4022915969824853823.post-46411539042692861942017-09-05T11:37:00.001-04:002017-09-05T11:37:15.496-04:00Like Riding a Mental Rodeo Bull<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I went to my town's equality rally yesterday, but I only lasted 5 minutes without a growing sense of paranoia. It was very close by; I went home. Asbury is a town of great diversity but all the news media seems to have picked up is that one person in the crowd pepper sprayed another. I'm sure my takeaway would have been much better than that had I stayed. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I tend toward humor to mask & cope. I'm guilty of normalcy masquerading when possible. <i>Well, I hope it appears to be normal. </i>I've grown somewhat better at not reacting to certain things that used to crush/frighten/freak me. <i>Eh, some things.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I stopped to reread & ponder that. Bad idea.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I don't want to turn this blog into <i style="font-weight: bold;">And now, Mary will recite a litany of her schizophrenic problems & mishaps-- </i>but I happen to be working with a broad array, most of which I'll save for my doctor. No need to thank me. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">One of my schizophrenic friends (I have 2) is late-onset like me, & early married. I have known him & his wife only since moving to Asbury Park. I have particularly tried to be sensitive to the wife's feelings. He & I use Orwellian tragi-humor as a coping mechanism. I've grown to realize this upsets her when the 3 of us are together. I think maybe negative things actively discussed about or around schizophrenia upset her period because schizophrenia has ruined the life they built together-- but she'd never say that. In other ways I've noticed also, denial seems to be one of her coping mechanisms. She is a wonderful, compassionate person who supports her husband fully in every aspect of his life.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I'm the only fellow-schizophrenic he bothers with & while he's told me our relationship is of benefit to him, I'm wondering if I should bow out. I'm pretty sure I'm of no benefit to her. She's the person he's been married to for 30 years. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Rereading I think I just decided that this will be my last blog encounter. I was rightly talked into Facebook in April. I don't have it in me to keep too many avenues open at present. I've actually been printing some of your blog entries(I only have internet access at the library) to read at home. I know I will miss staying in touch through your postings, but this is probably a good decision for me overall. </span>2023http://www.blogger.com/profile/06090347339729432098noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4022915969824853823.post-61307111918172870612017-08-01T11:42:00.000-04:002017-08-01T11:42:03.681-04:00Sharing a mental war of attrition.<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I've <i>worked at </i> keeping friendships(albeit, on & off due to our disorder) with 2 schizophrenics. They wouldn't be offended by <i>worked at </i>since I'm pretty sure it is the same for them.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"> Having long ago thrown counterfeit social-politeness to the wind, while walking with one of them, I told him that I am both captivated-attracted to and repulsed by his day-to-day-life, thoughts, & behaviors. Some of it mirrors the worst of my life. Some(He hears many sinister voices,constantly. Though abusive, I hear just one distinct, conflicting/mocking voice intermittently now)may be a preemptive warning as to what is in store for me. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">English being his second language he at first did not understand what I meant. Upon further explanation, he breathed a huge sigh of relief it seemed. ?? Ok... </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>"Yes, Yes. As for me, too," </i>he said.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Then we laughingly decided we'd had the basics of this discussion before; we agreed it beared repeating.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">True understanding.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>2023http://www.blogger.com/profile/06090347339729432098noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4022915969824853823.post-54808051171609573292017-06-13T17:27:00.000-04:002017-06-13T17:27:37.391-04:00Overheard(& seen) in Asbury Park :<span style="color: purple; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;">Velour tracksuit woman(they still sell those?): I used to describe my husband by saying <i>Actually, he often reminds people of Bruce Jenner. </i>He just asked me to stop doing that. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;">Paint brush in back pocket of Jurassic pants</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;">guy: I'm taking 5 medications, & 3 of them are just to deal with you.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;">2 cell phone Big Mac eater: I need a personal assistant rather than an inevitable 3rd x-husband. </span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="color: blue; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;">Too tight fancy suit gorgeous man: My wife said I shouldn't say anything negative about marriage until after you've been married a while, but your wedding is over 6 months away & I have so much to share.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;">Effervescent older woman: (LONG CUTE STORY) And then I kissed everyone, the servers too, & went home to bed with the cats.</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;">(Me) I think I'm starting to understand I belong right here in Asbury :).</span><br />
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2023http://www.blogger.com/profile/06090347339729432098noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4022915969824853823.post-79358826342256943772017-04-28T13:51:00.002-04:002017-04-28T13:51:51.098-04:00Luckily, this isn't a motivational blog.<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Apparently, I am now considered ongoing paranoid-psychotic. Which I do not actively feel in an uninterrupted way. <i>Adaptation </i>is, eh, great, I guess. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Sometimes life is going along about 80% like it used to prior to my mental illness, never 100%, but I'm good with that now. I'm basically writing the script~as much as anyone ever can~ <i>& then </i>schizophrenia interjects 254 paragraphs with impunity. Hate That, but luckily~over time~ it doesn't <i>feel</i> as bad as it should all of the time(just 1/3 to 1/2 of the time). Funny, too, what you can be thankful for. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Like the IRS</b> picking up with a <i>live person</i> 3 phone numbers & 1 hour of holding later, then actually nicely helping me to resolve a small issue.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>But then I needed to call back</i>, & they started asking questions about my 2015 return <i>only for identification purposes</i>. Sure, I thought as I started to eat Smuckers peanut butter from the jar. A highly appropriate coping-response I think. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I happened to look up a favored Pulitzer prize winner only to be met with his mug shots from DUI's. The Pulitzer came young & early, the mugs late, in senior age. Then his life partner left him but kept esoterically dissing him in the press. Is there a <i>preferred</i> order for all of that?<i> </i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I'm a schizophrenic who never did anything amazing or brave in her life, but mug shots I do not have. Should I be thankful for that? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Because, it seems, unlike lots of <i> the challenged </i>I read about, I reflexively feel bitter or hurt by what my life is now much more easily than I can access my gratitude or talk about hope or positivity. I start thinking I'm not thankful enough & then I wonder how I can ever be thankful for this sort of life. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>You have adapted to voices & sounds that hate you waking you in the morning to tell you to run, sit, slap yourself....how come? had enough? why? eat, go, waitsmilelaugh, see what you did? lie down, drink water(I hear this at least 50 times a day), come, it's over, pig, hahahaha, nails-chalkboard sound....</b> & then I cry when someone says <b>job </b>or a neighbor speaks, or a siren blares. And that's the way it is, sans the <i>my illness does not define me </i>unembraceable bs. Because many days it does. But then it would appear I mostly gather myself again. And Mr. Pulitzer? He can't be having it easy, either. </span>2023http://www.blogger.com/profile/06090347339729432098noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4022915969824853823.post-608481253039423922017-03-21T18:35:00.002-04:002017-03-21T18:35:56.536-04:00Less Voice More Bears, Please.<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">The past is over, but Schizophrenia is here for good. Previous balance never to be restored(I really need to accept this.). Life still calls, just in very different ways, with a lot of <i>interesting </i>limitations. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Psychiatrists & (many) schizophrenics bemoan & reject the split-mind concept that they claim is unfairly, misguidedly applied to schizophrenia in the media. Uhm, gee, sorry. <i>That is spot on me. </i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Currently, I have 1 OTHER predominant voice- it can feel internal or external- that torments me to the point of derailing at least 1/3 of each day. The voice is compounded by every sound I hear(when it gets to this point)feeling <i>entirely directed at me & my supposed misdeeds. </i>It quickly becomes all-consuming.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"> Some of the other symptoms also try to kick my ass, again unfortunately, daily. Nicely(smirk)they take turns in being a priority in & of themselves, but they often visit me at the same time as the voice & the other sounds. If that sounds confusing, trust me that it is actually markedly more confusing than I feel comfortable, or quite frankly capable of, articulating. But hey, this is a blog entry not my medical chart, so..</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">In search of normalizing, helpful activities I volunteered at a food pantry that just happens to be located in a building I can see from my balcony. I have a history of such volunteering, & other than a mild-to-infrequently moderate amount of confusion & paranoia, it is working out well. Atheist that I am, it is actually The Salvation Army stained-glass cross on the building that is directly across from my balcony door. <i>Hard to miss </i>as I told the female pastor(it is a husband & wife pastor team. endearingly they bring their beautiful, gentle terrier with them most days.). She said I was sent to them. Perhaps I was, by proximity, but not by a God. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">While dreaming last night, a big, beautiful brown bear was sniffing me while I stood still & wide-eyed-awed silent. Whatever sent her to me, <span style="color: lime;"><span style="background-color: purple;"><b><i>Thank you.</i></b></span></span></span>2023http://www.blogger.com/profile/06090347339729432098noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4022915969824853823.post-85839516773427323822017-02-28T15:28:00.001-05:002017-02-28T15:28:31.795-05:00Unless You Own a Restaurant, Please Don't Buy THAT Much Creamy Italian Salad Dressing.<span style="color: purple; font-family: "trebuchet ms", sans-serif; font-size: large;">Fat Tuesday Ruminations....</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">As a solitary, short(5ft-3), 113 pound woman who is on medication with a potential for weight gain, I cruise right past the Family Size & Bulk Club items in my food store. New to the area in the summer, my first visit to the store I encountered <span style="color: purple;">Food of the Gods</span> size barrels of cheese puffs & "healthy" popcorn in the Family/Bulk section. I laughed my way down the next aisle. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Recently, I discovered that they sell my expensive, usually purchased at GNC, Quest protein bars at a bulk discount. Way too many of one flavor, & truly not much of a discount it turned out, but I explored to see what else they might have of interest to me. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Nothing. The bulk toilet paper & paper towels were actually the same price except for the 1 ply. I've never seen a fridge with a 1 gallon bottle of 5% fruit juice- fruit punch; maybe preschools buy them. Some products were more money than I spend, but were name brands that are much more recognizable than the ones I use. In fact, most of the things were not very reasonable, & the calorie/carb contents on many were horrific. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">A 3/4 cup serving of cereal with 24 grams(6 teaspoons)of sugar should be labeled <span style="color: purple;">Sugar Cereal</span>, not have a sports figure on it & be purchased in bulk. The trail mix was the size of my torso with salted, high fat nuts, extra oils?, & lots of visible pieces of chocolate coated lumps - labeled nature something or other. What food is naturally chocolate coated & whose family should be eating pounds of it at a time?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I will cop to occasionally eating Smuckers Reduced Fat Peanut Butter, which is still relatively high in fat, with a spoon(mostly I eat it stirred into oatmeal), but it has 0 cholesterol, & 2 grams of sugar a serving. It is 3 bucks in the regular aisle. I'll be sticking with that, & staying out of Bulk/Family size. Maybe some families should be staying out of there, too.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Oh. You do not, DO NOT, want to know the fat/cholesterol/ carb/sodium values on the Family size nacho cheese dip, which of course should be paired with a 3 lb Family size bag(or 48 bulk single serve)of nachos.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Do you buy bulk or family size items? Do you forgo certain products after reading their labels?</span>2023http://www.blogger.com/profile/06090347339729432098noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4022915969824853823.post-24417557051645544752017-01-26T14:39:00.000-05:002017-01-26T14:39:56.888-05:00If You're Tired of Arguing with Strangers on the Internet..... ~Barack Obama<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">None of you are stranger than me.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">A comment from me-at this point in my life-is never meant argumentatively. Years back I could expostulate with desire & vigor. If truth spoken,once in a while, I'd also bitch someone down. I no longer have the desire to use up my catch-as-catch-can lesser energies on that any longer. I may not get your point. I may not agree with your point. BUT I never go to your comment section to argue a point. If I want argument(which it so happens I no longer do), my schizophrenic mind argues with itself & admonishes me in painstaking detail frequently.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="color: purple;">Now I like AS PEOPLE those who I read. </span>Only criteria. Some of you are far from me religiously. I'm an atheist, but I do worship Deer whenever I am lucky enough to see them. Some are far politically. I'm a Libertarian who has voted mostly Republican, but I also greatly admire Jimmy Carter, Barney Frank, &(loved)Tip O'Neill. And some of you are of higher- at times confusingly so- intellect. Mark O., you are the trifecta ;). None of this constitutes a problem for me because kindly read the first sentence of this paragraph again. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">My list of Not Worth It has grown exponentially with schizophrenia. I've unkept much from my past that I should not have, but I do value what I have kept more. <span style="color: purple;">You are worth it.</span> Thank you for sharing your (sometimes counter)viewpoints, thoughts, & your lives with me. </span>2023http://www.blogger.com/profile/06090347339729432098noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4022915969824853823.post-49239752915346079542016-12-27T15:02:00.000-05:002016-12-27T15:02:32.914-05:00I didn't try the homemade beer marshmallows, but I fed their terrier a hunk of cheese...<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">No longer being social Sally, I reluctantly went to a cousin's house for Christmas since my 96 year old aunt (my mom's sister-in-law) would be in attendance. I had previously promised her I would sit next to her at Christmas dinner if she was up to coming. Insanity has a funny way of <i>keeping </i>promises <i>unkept</i>. I wanted to keep this one.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Thankfully schizophrenia did not wreak havoc on the day. Much. I hugged my aunt and I kissed her (two things I no longer like doing, but she does). She ate a lot, told stories, & held my hand on & off. I pushed my <b style="color: #990000;">wouldn't it be great to live in New Mexico near[read:WITH] your daughter </b>line as far as she'd let me. She seemed warmer to the idea than she was a few years ago. The idea. The actuality? She keeps telling her daughter NO.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">She didn't really even want to come out for Christmas - 30 minutes away, with my cousin as chauffeur - but he told her "If you don't come, Mary won't come." True. She did. I did. I'm glad I went, & she seemed to be, too. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="color: #660000; font-weight: bold;">Now, </span><span style="color: #660000; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">New Mexico... </span>maybe we will work on that some more at Easter.</span>2023http://www.blogger.com/profile/06090347339729432098noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4022915969824853823.post-395535271748934302016-11-23T16:42:00.000-05:002016-11-23T16:42:07.625-05:00Happy Thanksgiving ~The winging it post.<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">So things have maybe not been so great lately, but I get help from unexpected places. I don't have any sort of entry prepared in my head, but I did not want <span style="color: #783f04;"><b>Thanksgiving</b></span> to go by without <span style="color: #783f04;"><b>thanking</b></span> the bloggers I have been regularly reading.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">My connection to <i>anything </i>can be overly fragile because my suspicions loom at some of the worst times. Except when exactly is a good time for suspicions to loom? (if anyone knows this answer please overnight mail it to me in exquisite detail & I will gladly pay postage)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Reading your blogs, I do feel a connection, perhaps because I've chosen to read the people I knew <b>before</b> I felt things go so very wrong with my schizophrenia. I care about you. I can't care in the exact same way as I did before because I am so very different now. But you MATTER. That mattering does more for me than for you, since I so need <b>something</b> real & good that matters in my life.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Simply to me you are real & you are good(mostly, hey, not all the damn time).</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I wish you peace & love & health & family & great pumpkin pie in the just right amounts to meet your wants, & even more so to meet your needs.</span>2023http://www.blogger.com/profile/06090347339729432098noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4022915969824853823.post-78741070277030107772016-10-18T18:45:00.001-04:002016-10-18T18:45:46.381-04:00Collage ~AllanMark, who was blessing me with smart, well thought-out emails when he should have instead been polishing his memoir, suggested art as therapeutic.<br />
I've developed an epistolary friendship with a young man in his 30s serving a life sentence. He has graciously allowed me to share aspects of his life on this blog. What follows is my fractured placement of his words:<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">A lot of people don't know the benefit of having someone to just talk/write to I have my GI Bill still <span style="color: #660000; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">a non-profit organization in Texas, they in turn sent us 87 pounds of yarn </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">go outside to rec to run race is a huge problem in prison it causes more violence than anything else </span><span style="color: #660000; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Kids in the Loop of incarcerated parents my mom got to participate they got hats & mittens made by us here my friend's daughter got one of the sets I made, she hugged me which almost made me cry </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">my last ones (shoes) lasted 3 years I did way too much LSD in my teens I got some really good news today, I passed my test this is the hardest test they have I don't know if I would have done so much if I wasn't in prison he got out of the hole and I have stayed away not the easiest but I would be throwing away a lot just for short term gratification </span><span style="color: #660000; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">my son wants to be like me -he's not like me I'm glad of that he's thinking about the Army my son graduated and is working concrete </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">I used to save magazines to wrap around my torso in case of stabbings I had that save me once by nature, I'm kind of intense and usually a bit hostile now, I really try not to be like that and try to be patient and kind - sometimes I still flip out progress not perfection </span><span style="color: #660000; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">my mom is my inspiration this place is the first place I've been that has visits on Easter, so this will be the first time since 2003 that I've been with my parents on Easter </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">prison riots suck I've been in a 350 (roughly) person gang fight, I've also been in a situation where we took over 2 blocks, very scary situation I received a pay increase I'm thinking of painting some I grew up in the city so I didn't really experience allergies, even when I was in the Army the Germanic tribes have a rich and varied history </span><span style="color: #660000; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">my daughter is doing dance recitals, competitions and dance camp she got out of ballet though she was in The Nutcracker twice jazz, tap, and hip-hop </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">I've not been to segregation since 2011 I have been watching a small portion of the RNC I did the punk-rock thing I signed up for college Monday we have been doing a lot of crochet work recently for charity we're making hats, mittens, and scarves for the Homeless after becoming a part of society that is marginalized and generally hated </span><span style="color: #660000; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">we have our annual "Day with Dad" this coming Tuesday, I can't wait I was a "colourful" child the kids think it's cool, and a bit weird(that he had a mohawk when younger) </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">I see the parole board in 5 years so it's getting close now no octopus doesn't tasted like chicken it has a chewy texture if done right it tastes kind of the way the sea smells someone killed (him) a few years back he owned a deli, he did a lot for the community I was short on the whole meal once and just ordered the sandwich, he gave me the whole meal he told me sometimes you got it, sometimes you don't, right now I've got it and so do you this prison isn't bad at all, but I've been to some where its bad I've spent 45 in solitary, that was the longest time I've done in seg no windows in some of them, and no lights I would actually love to help guys do the right thing if I ever got out </span><span style="color: #660000; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">my daughter plays violin and the guitar and paints she has drive I'm very proud of her </span><span style="color: #660000; font-family: inherit;">I am conflicted at times because the person I was and the person I'm becoming are two different thinking people</span></span>2023http://www.blogger.com/profile/06090347339729432098noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4022915969824853823.post-82294894549860393462016-08-31T15:23:00.000-04:002016-09-06T11:38:30.223-04:00Origins Unkept<br />
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AIDS activized me in the late 80s. A columnist in my town's newspaper wrote a commentary blaming AIDS on promiscuity, & less obviously, on gay men. I wrote a letter to the editor rebutting it, believing it would not be published. It was, & after a follow-up conversation with the owner/editor, I was invited to write an article about AIDS, its causes, & its toll on society. <br />
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My best friend wasn't interested in AIDS she said, so she didn't want to read the article. She did, however, months later, want me to go with her for her HIV test results. Negative. The only time I ever got pissed at Gay Men's Health Crisis was when they ran: <u>Don't Take the Test. It's Bad News.</u> ads. I still hate that(long-defunct) campaign.<br />
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I was a little surprised when the church secretary at my father's place of employ made a point of commenting on my letter to the editor so positively. Years later, she & her husband, the deacon, raised their grandchildren after their daughter succumbed to AIDS. She'd been exposed to it from a man she met at church.<br />
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When I first started reading blogs, I blog-met two HIV+ bloggers, Nelishia & Mark, whom I grew to like & admire,<br />
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<b>This post was going somewhere else entirely a few minutes ago. The second word of the post keeps tapping me on the shoulder. 3 charities are in my will, but the force has seeped away. </b><br />
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<b>Nothing activizes me anymore, & I'd not fully realized that until now. I could write that I don't have the mental strength for it - which sometimes is true- but really I no longer have the heart or the proper sustainable mind-set for it. </b><br />
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Each time I've read <b>My disability does not define me </b>I've pushed down envy. Perhaps I have not yet learned the proper way to calculate mine, because it seems to permeate me. I'm going to try to recalculate.<br />
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<span style="color: #4c1130; font-size: large;"><b>I wrote that a few days ago. I'm in a slightly better place now. I've been pushing myself -sometimes gently, sometimes not-- to do rather than to think about what I can no longer do. </b></span><br />
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<br />2023http://www.blogger.com/profile/06090347339729432098noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4022915969824853823.post-36266774371836078262016-08-05T12:35:00.000-04:002016-08-05T12:35:47.303-04:00Gorillas Are Dangerous and Should Not Be Closely ApproachedA sign in Uganda by a <i>sanctuary </i>in the 1960s. Judging by all the gorillas that were captured or poached there, the sign should have read: <b>People Are Dangerous. Run Like Hell When They Approach.</b><br />
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I'm of the mind that the average gorilla has a much better handle on her life than the average human does on hers. If I had a gorilla helping me, I might be able to deal with the behind-the-scenes working of a simple blog, but alas, I do not. <br />
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Thank you so much for all of your comments. I have not really missed Internet access, but I have missed many bloggers.<br />
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As I've mentioned, I am doing this at the library, with a limited time frame - which is all I can handle now anyway. Never a computer whiz, I've become alarmingly techno-backward since my disorder.<br />
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If I comment on your blogs & you reply to the comment, could you please email me with the reply if it is not a bother? Except for Mark's, I am not receiving comments on my blog or follow-up comments on anyone else's(when I check Notify Me) in my gmail.<br />
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If I haven't visited you I can assure you it is because I can't find your blog. Please either leave a link or email it to marydegliesposti@gmail.com. I do seem to be receiving emails if they are not part of a blog, but some are winding up in spam. <i>Got all that?</i> Sorry.<br />
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I just know that if I was a gorilla, I'd be napping right now....2023http://www.blogger.com/profile/06090347339729432098noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4022915969824853823.post-31260692764617158872016-07-27T14:38:00.001-04:002016-07-27T14:38:56.843-04:00Life as a Shirley Jackson StoryI moved to a new town July 1. Was it convenience or denial that kept me from noticing questions pertaining to a mental disorder when I last did a change of address at the DMV in 2010? My little life-ruining (that may be too dramatic, but I'm keeping it for now) mechanism has been called:<br />
1)Schizophrenia with paranoid features<br />
2)Schizophrenia, depressive type or<br />
3)Schizoaffective disorder ... all at different times & stages.<br />
I decided on schizoaffective disorder as the most innocuous sounding answer(snort)for the DMV form.<br />
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I purchased a new car a year ago; for that & all sorts of other reasons, I'd like to keep my license. Schizophrenia with paranoid features sounds like the answer to: <i>What does really crazy look like?</i><br />
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While trying not to look really crazy on the DMV line, a man pushed past me, saying: <b>Move. What are you, Stupid?</b><br />
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"Yes, I'm stupid, MF-er," shot right out of my mouth. <br />
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Though many times I've been a mouthy smart-ass in my life, I assure you I never ended any sentence with a MF-er chaser before schizophrenia. Line waiting, I'd felt like various people were targeting & mocking me, way before Mr. Move.<br />
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The paranoid features of my disorder intermittently convince me that I've been especially picked out of your crowd of "betters" to be subjected to ingenious methods of dehumanization. The scapegoat in Shirley Jackson's <u>The Lottery.</u><br />
I am sharing this in a This Is Me Now way, not in a negative way. I remain thankful this isn't always me. I'd rather have Robin Williams authoring my life though; but I guess, inside, he was a lot worse off than I am. <br />
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Who is scripting your life? I hope it is mostly you. <br />
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<br />2023http://www.blogger.com/profile/06090347339729432098noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4022915969824853823.post-34818344379579269122016-07-13T15:09:00.001-04:002016-07-13T15:09:49.745-04:00Her Again?I've not blogged in quite some time. I'm a late-onset schizophrenic. I get paranoid at times. I no longer keep Internet access in my home; I swore off the blog world while I felt cornered & abused.<br />
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I've found I miss some of the bloggers, so I started reading again. I believe I need a little more interaction with people & ideas. Maybe not ~ time will tell. Time tells me all sorts of things. Sometimes I listen & sometimes I try like hell not to. <br />
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I'm sticking a small, hopefully not subconsciously paranoid toe into the blog waters. I don't even remember the ins & outs of using blogger, so bear with me. Interact with me, or not. Some days I want the former & some days the latter.<br />
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So tell me your last mistake. Hopefully, this isn't mine.<br />
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<br />2023http://www.blogger.com/profile/06090347339729432098noreply@blogger.com13