The past is over, but Schizophrenia is here for good. Previous balance never to be restored(I really need to accept this.). Life still calls, just in very different ways, with a lot of interesting limitations.
Psychiatrists & (many) schizophrenics bemoan & reject the split-mind concept that they claim is unfairly, misguidedly applied to schizophrenia in the media. Uhm, gee, sorry. That is spot on me.
Currently, I have 1 OTHER predominant voice- it can feel internal or external- that torments me to the point of derailing at least 1/3 of each day. The voice is compounded by every sound I hear(when it gets to this point)feeling entirely directed at me & my supposed misdeeds. It quickly becomes all-consuming.
Some of the other symptoms also try to kick my ass, again unfortunately, daily. Nicely(smirk)they take turns in being a priority in & of themselves, but they often visit me at the same time as the voice & the other sounds. If that sounds confusing, trust me that it is actually markedly more confusing than I feel comfortable, or quite frankly capable of, articulating. But hey, this is a blog entry not my medical chart, so..
In search of normalizing, helpful activities I volunteered at a food pantry that just happens to be located in a building I can see from my balcony. I have a history of such volunteering, & other than a mild-to-infrequently moderate amount of confusion & paranoia, it is working out well. Atheist that I am, it is actually The Salvation Army stained-glass cross on the building that is directly across from my balcony door. Hard to miss as I told the female pastor(it is a husband & wife pastor team. endearingly they bring their beautiful, gentle terrier with them most days.). She said I was sent to them. Perhaps I was, by proximity, but not by a God.
While dreaming last night, a big, beautiful brown bear was sniffing me while I stood still & wide-eyed-awed silent. Whatever sent her to me, Thank you.
I hope you can continue to find your equilibrium...what works for you and brings you to a sense of peace.
ReplyDeleteI've had to redefine Peace as it can apply to me now.
DeleteThank you.
I love that you still put a priority on trying to find a way to be helpful to others. That says a lot about you, my friend. I hope that the voices leave you alone and you get a lot more bears.
ReplyDeleteThe desire to help others is no longer as viscerally felt as it was prior to the past trying years, but at least it is still felt.
DeleteProximity? God? Hell, I have friends that think wearing a certain pair of socks is the key to their team winning the game and at one point we were throwing virgins into volcanos to keep them from erupting. Belief is ever more powerful than logic.
ReplyDeleteAbove my kitchen sink there is a tattered, water-spotted piece of paper that reads: "Trust the wait. Embrace the uncertainty. Enjoy the beauty of becoming. When nothing is certain, anything is possible."
Some of the perceived certains of schizophrenia leave me feeling so many things are no longer possible, but I will try to keep this in mind.
DeleteWait, I just thought of something else. I have to write an "artist bio" to be printed for a show I have opening at the Herman Art Museum on May 5th. I am one strangled, stressed-out mass of paint-covered uncertainty at the moment. I've put off writing this bio for months now. *sigh* But last night around 2am, I found this quote that seems unbelievably appropriate: "Dreams are illustrations from the book your soul is writing about you." I paint my dreams. You have majestic bears in yours. If only we could somehow dream together....
ReplyDeleteI have a girlcrush on your intellect-plus-creativity, so you could only improve upon my dreams.
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