Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Life as a Shirley Jackson Story

I moved to a new town July 1.  Was it convenience or denial that kept me from noticing questions pertaining to a mental disorder when I last did a change of address at the DMV in 2010?  My little life-ruining (that may be too dramatic, but I'm keeping it for now) mechanism has been called:
1)Schizophrenia with paranoid features
2)Schizophrenia, depressive type  or
3)Schizoaffective disorder ... all at different times & stages.
I decided on schizoaffective disorder as the most innocuous sounding answer(snort)for the DMV form.

I purchased a new car a year ago; for that & all sorts of other reasons, I'd like to keep my license. Schizophrenia with paranoid features sounds like the answer to:  What does really crazy look like?

While trying not to look really crazy on the DMV line, a man pushed past me, saying:  Move.  What are you, Stupid?

"Yes, I'm stupid, MF-er," shot right out of my mouth.

Though many times I've been a mouthy smart-ass in my life, I assure you I never ended any sentence with a MF-er chaser before schizophrenia.  Line waiting, I'd felt like various people were targeting & mocking me, way before Mr. Move.

The paranoid features of my disorder intermittently convince me that I've been especially picked out of your crowd of "betters" to be subjected to ingenious methods of dehumanization.  The scapegoat in Shirley Jackson's The Lottery.
I am sharing this in a This Is Me Now way, not in a negative way.  I remain thankful this isn't always me.  I'd rather have Robin Williams authoring my life though; but I guess, inside, he was a lot worse off than I am.

Who is scripting your life?  I hope it is mostly you.


  1. "Standing in line while trying not to look crazy" One thing I love about your writing is that every entry there's at least 2 or 3 phrases that could be the titles of new blogs.

  2. Wow, great to know you are back to blogging. Rachel just doesn't blog any more. I think cancer put an end to her wanting to share her life. She's doing well, but carries a lot of cancer-induced baggage around with her.

  3. Crazy is subjective. You be you, and never mind the big medical words.

  4. Replies
    1. I'm not sure if I know you from previously, these comments have not even been showing up in my gmail, & I am too blog & techno-backward at this point to know why.

      I am truly glad you do not feel alone anymore. I sometimes do, especially in crowds.

  5. So good to see you back here.

  6. Crowds make me feel that I'm not exactly human. It usually leads to paranoia.

    BTW, Mr. Move is the stupid one here.

    1. Lately, there are a few things each day that make me feel less than human or less than something everyone else IS more of, & more of some things that others do not seem to have or be at all. Good times.
      I'm very glad I found your blog.