If You're Tired of Arguing with Strangers on the Internet..... ~Barack Obama

None of you are stranger than me.

A comment from me-at this point in my life-is never meant argumentatively.  Years back I could expostulate with desire & vigor. If truth spoken,once in a while, I'd also bitch someone down.  I no longer have the desire to use up my catch-as-catch-can lesser energies on that any longer.  I may not get your point.  I may not agree with your point. BUT I never go to your comment section to argue a point.  If I want argument(which it so happens I no longer do), my schizophrenic mind argues with itself & admonishes me in painstaking detail frequently.

Now I like AS PEOPLE those who I read.  Only criteria. Some of you are far from me religiously. I'm an atheist, but I do worship Deer whenever I am lucky enough to see them. Some are far politically. I'm a Libertarian who has voted mostly Republican, but I also greatly admire Jimmy Carter, Barney Frank, &(loved)Tip O'Neill. And some of you are of higher- at times confusingly so- intellect.  Mark O., you are the trifecta ;). None of this constitutes a problem for me because kindly read the first sentence of this paragraph again. 

My list of Not Worth It has grown exponentially with schizophrenia.  I've unkept much from my past that I should not have, but I do value what I have kept more.  You are worth it.  Thank you for sharing your (sometimes counter)viewpoints, thoughts, & your lives with me. 

Collage ~Allan

Mark, who was blessing me with smart, well thought-out emails when he should have instead been polishing his memoir, suggested art as therapeutic.
I've developed an epistolary friendship with a young man in his 30s serving a life sentence.  He has graciously allowed me to share aspects of his life on this blog.  What follows is my fractured placement of his words:


A lot of people don't know the benefit of having someone to just talk/write to I have my GI Bill still a non-profit organization in Texas, they in turn sent us 87 pounds of yarn go outside to rec to run  race is a huge problem in prison it causes more violence than anything else Kids in the Loop of incarcerated parents  my mom got to participate  they got hats & mittens made by us here my friend's daughter got one of the sets I made, she hugged me which almost made me cry my last ones (shoes) lasted 3 years  I did way too much LSD in my teens  I got some really good news today, I passed my test this is the hardest test they have  I don't know if I would have done so much if I wasn't in prison  he got out of the hole and I have stayed away not the easiest but I would be throwing away a lot just for short term gratification my son wants to be like me -he's not like me I'm glad of that he's thinking about the Army my son graduated and is working concrete I used to save magazines to wrap around my torso in case of stabbings I had that save me once  by nature, I'm kind of intense and usually a bit hostile now, I really try not to be like that and try to be patient and kind - sometimes I still flip out progress not perfection my mom is my inspiration this place is the first place I've been that has visits on Easter, so this will be the first time since 2003 that I've been with my parents on Easter prison riots suck I've been in a 350 (roughly) person gang fight, I've also been in a situation where we took over 2 blocks, very scary situation  I received a pay increase I'm thinking of painting some  I grew up in the city so I didn't really experience allergies, even when I was in the Army  the Germanic tribes have a rich and varied history my daughter is doing dance recitals, competitions and dance camp she got out of ballet though she was in The Nutcracker twice  jazz, tap, and hip-hop I've not been to segregation since 2011 I have been watching a small portion of the RNC I did the punk-rock thing  I signed up for college Monday  we have been doing a lot of crochet work recently for charity we're making hats, mittens, and scarves for the Homeless   after becoming a part of society that is marginalized and generally hated we have our annual "Day with Dad" this coming Tuesday, I can't wait  I was a "colourful" child the kids think it's cool, and a bit weird(that he had a mohawk when younger) I see the parole board in 5 years so it's getting close now no octopus doesn't tasted like chicken it has a chewy texture if done right it tastes kind of the way the sea smells  someone killed (him) a few years back  he owned a deli, he did a lot for the community I was short on the whole meal once and just ordered the sandwich, he gave me the whole meal he told me sometimes you got it, sometimes you don't, right now I've got it and so do you  this prison isn't bad at all, but I've been to some where its bad I've spent 45 in solitary, that was the longest time I've done in seg no windows in some of them, and no lights I would actually love to help guys do the right thing if I ever got out my daughter plays violin and the guitar and paints she has drive I'm very proud of her  I am conflicted at times because the person I was and the person I'm becoming are two different thinking people

Origins Unkept

AIDS activized me in the late 80s.  A columnist in my town's newspaper wrote a commentary blaming AIDS on promiscuity, & less obviously, on gay men.  I wrote a letter to the editor rebutting it, believing it would not be published.  It was, & after a follow-up conversation with the owner/editor, I was invited to write an article about AIDS, its causes, & its toll on society.

My best friend wasn't interested in AIDS she said, so she didn't want to read the article.  She did, however, months later, want me to go with her for her HIV test results.  Negative.  The only time I ever got pissed at Gay Men's Health Crisis was when they ran:  Don't Take the Test.  It's Bad News. ads.  I still hate that(long-defunct) campaign.

I was a little surprised when the church secretary at my father's place of employ made a point of commenting on my letter to the editor so positively.  Years later, she & her husband, the deacon, raised their grandchildren after their daughter succumbed to AIDS.  She'd been exposed to it from a man she met at church.

When I first started reading blogs,  I blog-met two HIV+  bloggers, Nelishia & Mark, whom I grew to like & admire,

This post was going somewhere else entirely a few minutes ago.  The second word of the post keeps tapping me on the shoulder.  3 charities are in my will, but the force has seeped away.

Nothing activizes me anymore, & I'd not fully realized that until now.  I could write that I don't have the mental strength for it - which sometimes is true- but really I no longer have the heart or the proper sustainable mind-set for it.  

Each time I've read  My disability does not define me  I've pushed down envy.  Perhaps I have not yet learned the proper way to calculate mine, because it seems to permeate me.  I'm going to try to recalculate.

I wrote that a few days ago.  I'm in a slightly better place now.  I've been pushing myself -sometimes gently, sometimes not-- to do rather than to think about what I can no longer do.